bedanaho (bedanaho) wrote in binge_me_sane,

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there is hope

so i have some hopeful information....but first ill let u know who i am....

19 yrs old, binge eating disorder since at least 7 yrs old if not earlier. im 5' 7 and weigh 238 (according to the doctor last week). so yeah, this is my life. ive struggled with body image issues as a result of my eating disorder and therefore was mostly using live journal to look at the anorexia sites to gain support and ideas to prevent binging. it never really worked. when i went away to college last fall my eating disorder took over my life. i felt so alone, so ashamed. i felt like i couldnt even tell my parents because ive seen the way they react to people who are overweight (my parents are both very healthy and thin) and i felt like they just wouldnt understand how this has been ruining my life. i still dont think my dad totally understands what im going through....but my mom does a little cuz she was bulimic for 10 yrs or so when she was my point:

i started doing cocaine to suppress my apetite and numb the pain. but it didnt last cuz i was staying out all night with shady people and my dad noticed the money draining out of my bank account. my good friend told my parents about the drug use so they confronted me. i confessed, but when my dad said, "i dont's not that hard bub," i started crying, cuz for me, it is. so i told him that i had an eating disorder. long story short i started going to counseling (my parents didnt judge me or make me feel bad the way i had imagined they would be. they werent disappointed either, they just felt love, sympathy, and a desire to be helpful). so this counseling thing, FLIPPING AMAZINGGGG so yeah, first order of business, go to counseling, its ok to admit that u have a problem, its not your fault, its a diseases that can be cured. i promise.

im nowhere near being "fixed" but i feel like im on the right path. for one thing i started thinking more positively. my cognitive distortions are that i have all-or-nothing thinking, i disqualify the positives, and i assume things to be negative or judging me. i also stopped any anorexic thinking i had about my body. i promised to stop using the scale while in treatment and just let myself be. (its actually refreshing to not worry about my body for a change.) but most importantly BINGE EATING IS AN ADDICTION.....I should know, since ive been addicted my WHOLE LIFE. so heres what im thinking, i have to WANT to stop. like i know we all "want to stop" overeating and binging, but we just "cant".....but heres the thing, do u REALLLLLY want to stop? cuz up until a couple days ago i really didnt want to stop....eating was my remedy. but then i realized that not actually wanting it to end; the fear of losing my life companion, my solution to life, was so strong...but i doooo want it to end. now i do. so ive been following this statement from reads:

EAT WHAT YOU WANT - When you are truly hungry. Stop when you are full. And eat exactly what appeals to you. Do this instead of any diet, and you are unlikely to ever have a weight problem, let alone an eating disorder.

ALSO....i often in my life have looked at stretches of days of trying not to binge as struggling days, days of postoning the next binge. this isnt helpful, however, because after 3 days of not binging i would think, "man, i havent binged in three days...this is getting reallllly hard....i cant do it any longer, im dying...i neeed to binge...i need the food or im gonna go crazy....i CANT HOLD OUT any longer...." but now, im telling myself (because i realllly WANT to change) that "three days?!?! helllls yes three days. thats three days into a new life. a heathly life. man its getting hard but i can push through i am strong, the pain and anxiety and addicted feelings will pass if i just resist the urge to binge. im never binging again, and that is because i am now in control of MY MIND. i dont want to binge so i will not. and that is that. so yes, three days to a heathier mind and body. three days closer to being normal. three days closer to the addiction finally leaving my MIND. three days closer to not being controlled by food."

so thats that. i know this was long. i hope u read the whole thing lol. i hope i am welcome in this community as a helpful friend that is sincerely trying to kick the habit. ill try to post more if u guys like what i have to say. alright well i think thats all for now.

u can do it, i know u can. im trying day at a time, commiting to not binge.

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